It has been two years since I lost Karen and still, I struggle trying to find my direction in life. Some give me counsel to move on and others have told me that it takes one year of recovery for each five years you were together before you are ready to move on. That would make it a five year healing process.
Sometimes I have these flashes of inspiration and direction and I feel like I finally have it all figured out. Then after a few days and second guesses I have reverted back to uncertainty. Sometimes I think God is leading me in spirit and giving me clues to his will for my life, and then I think maybe God’s real message to me is, I’m not ready to make those decisions yet. I do think however, that one message is very clear and that is that I need to be in school. The how’s and where’s and what’s seem to be vague, but the drive of the spirit is very strong.
I know what I want to study, I know what I want to do with that degree, it’s the, if I may revert to a couple posts ago, stepping out of the plane that trips me up. Choosing to listen and obey.
I have faith that if I earnestly pray and seek the Lord then all these other answers will be revealed. Its interesting that in my quiet times this week I read about Abram, and God calling him to leave his ancestral homeland and move on to a new place. I don’t compare that of course to my particular place in life and don’t believe God is going to make a great nation of me by obeying. I just find myself thinking how very hard that must have been for Abram, stepping out into the unknown. Unknown land, unknown people, and unknown future except for the promise of God. He could have made a different choice but didn’t.
There are so many unknowns and fears in my life, so many choices to be made or avoided. My dearest friend champions me. She pushes me, questions me, gives me food to think on, and also respects my uncertainty and emotions. She has the answers to many questions that I haven’t even thought of. Mostly she keeps me tracking in the right direction. I believe God has placed her in my life for many reasons and He uses people like that in our lives to reveal Himself.
I have choices to make. Everyone does in some aspect of their own life.
Fruit
I just had to say that.
Its been an interesting and at times very emotional ride. It is what it is, and where it ends up has yet to be determined. Our life is all about choices isn’t it? Our whole life is about the choices we make. Good or bad, choices determine our direction and our future. What will mine be? What will yours be?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Trust
Matthew 6:26, Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than that?
Many times during the course of Karen’s illness I worried about all the medical bills, losing Karen’s upholstery business and that income, the work I was missing, and many other things. Also during that first year, Audrey was trying to make college decisions and I was sick with worry about how in the world we were going to pay for that.
Karen wasn’t well enough to make those University visits during Audrey’s senior year of high school and so Audrey and I did them by ourselves. The money always seemed to somehow be available for the medical, and the other things but I had no idea how we were going to fund college.
As we made those visits and asked those questions and prayed it seemed that the answer kept coming back to Eastern Washington University. It just seemed so clear to both of us that this was where God wanted her to be. I didn’t have enough money to fund an in-state education, let alone an out of state university. I must be reading God wrong I deduced. That can’t possibly be where Audrey is supposed to go.
One day at work, all day my spririt was so troubled and I was praying and questioning and crying and praying some more. I will never ever forget in my life that afternoon when I came home from work. I called Audrey and Karen into the dining room and with tears in my eyes I said. I don’t know how we are going to pay for it. I don’t know the answer. People may think I am a flake and out of my mind. I don’t know anything except that somehow, by faith, Audrey, you are supposed to go to Eastern. We both knew that but couldn’t get our minds to grasp what our hearts knew.
On that day when the decision was made, I could literally see a black cloud lift from that dining room, and our house and our hearts. Things started to happen and in some of the most incredible ways, God provided again and again and again and it really was the right school and it has been evidenced in many ways and many times.
Why do I not trust sometimes when I know what the answer is. It’s a struggle I deal with many times.
For the last several years there have been several nesting pairs of geese just up the river in a field each spring. When they begin to nest, the adults come down each day and walk up the beach and poop in the yard. It’s early in the year and I always just figured they were fertilizing the grass down by the beach so I never really cared. I watched them a lot one year and I noticed that in a few weeks, after the chicks had hatched, the adults bring them down the river and up on to the yard. Usually there are 20-30 chicks depending on the year. It occurred to me as I watched them that where the adults had been pooping for a few weeks, there were now bugs for the young to eat. It’s so incredible to think that there was a plan and a purpose all along. I saw poop, God saw a plan, even for the birds of the air. I’ve had those hard days and scary days and times of worrying when all I could see was poop. I just need to assure myself, as do you, that we need to trust God and his awesome plan. Even when we can’t see it, we have to know that it is there.
Many times during the course of Karen’s illness I worried about all the medical bills, losing Karen’s upholstery business and that income, the work I was missing, and many other things. Also during that first year, Audrey was trying to make college decisions and I was sick with worry about how in the world we were going to pay for that.
Karen wasn’t well enough to make those University visits during Audrey’s senior year of high school and so Audrey and I did them by ourselves. The money always seemed to somehow be available for the medical, and the other things but I had no idea how we were going to fund college.
As we made those visits and asked those questions and prayed it seemed that the answer kept coming back to Eastern Washington University. It just seemed so clear to both of us that this was where God wanted her to be. I didn’t have enough money to fund an in-state education, let alone an out of state university. I must be reading God wrong I deduced. That can’t possibly be where Audrey is supposed to go.
One day at work, all day my spririt was so troubled and I was praying and questioning and crying and praying some more. I will never ever forget in my life that afternoon when I came home from work. I called Audrey and Karen into the dining room and with tears in my eyes I said. I don’t know how we are going to pay for it. I don’t know the answer. People may think I am a flake and out of my mind. I don’t know anything except that somehow, by faith, Audrey, you are supposed to go to Eastern. We both knew that but couldn’t get our minds to grasp what our hearts knew.
On that day when the decision was made, I could literally see a black cloud lift from that dining room, and our house and our hearts. Things started to happen and in some of the most incredible ways, God provided again and again and again and it really was the right school and it has been evidenced in many ways and many times.
Why do I not trust sometimes when I know what the answer is. It’s a struggle I deal with many times.
For the last several years there have been several nesting pairs of geese just up the river in a field each spring. When they begin to nest, the adults come down each day and walk up the beach and poop in the yard. It’s early in the year and I always just figured they were fertilizing the grass down by the beach so I never really cared. I watched them a lot one year and I noticed that in a few weeks, after the chicks had hatched, the adults bring them down the river and up on to the yard. Usually there are 20-30 chicks depending on the year. It occurred to me as I watched them that where the adults had been pooping for a few weeks, there were now bugs for the young to eat. It’s so incredible to think that there was a plan and a purpose all along. I saw poop, God saw a plan, even for the birds of the air. I’ve had those hard days and scary days and times of worrying when all I could see was poop. I just need to assure myself, as do you, that we need to trust God and his awesome plan. Even when we can’t see it, we have to know that it is there.
Friday, May 8, 2009
She spent her whole life looking out the window
If you want to sky-dive, there are certain things you have to do. I know this because my son and I are making those plans. We have been dreaming of this for a couple of years but, Life, happens and we have had to postpone a few times.
One of the first things you must do is find someone to help make that possible. There are many businesses that specialize in this around the country. We’ve picked one, now we just have to arrange our schedules to accommodate our plans. You have to go early on the day of the jump because they require some ground training. You can’t just go up in someone’s plane and jump out. I suppose you could but that probably wouldn’t end well. You’re also not allowed to solo free-fall on your first experience. They kind of want to ensure you won’t freeze up once you get out of the plane and forget to open your chute. That wouldn’t end well either. So, you have to either, Static-line jump, or tandem jump with an experienced sky-diver. A static line is a device that hooks on to the plane and automatically open you chute when you exit the plane. A tandem jump means you are coupled into a harness with the experienced diver and he, or she, controls the fall and the opening of the chute.
In the ground school you also learn about the chute and the folding. You learn about the proper technique for landing so you don’t break your legs. You learn about the reserve chute. You learn all about sky-diving before you actually do it. That’s probably a good thing.
You can have all this head knowledge. You can know exactly what to do and how and when to do it. You can put the chute on. You can get in the plane, and they can open the door at altitude, but it all means nothing until you are willing to step out of the plane. If you are scared you may have surrounded yourself with this miasma of fear. You have to have the faith to go.
Our lives are like that in many ways sometimes. The Holy Spirit guides us and prompts us. The Lord tries leading us in a new direction. We have the knowledge, we know what we are supposed to be doing and yet we fail to act, or move. We could spend our whole lives looking out the window and missing the exhilaration, the rush of air, and the blessings the unknown and the obedience can bring.
In some areas of my life I have this prompting, this leading, this urging that I know is the Lord prompting me. I’m afraid to make that leap of faith. It’s going to completely change my life if I do it. But the, what ifs, and the uncertainty keep me in the plane. How would my finances fare under this new plan? What about this, what about that? It’s a nice view from the window of the plane. I know what I need to know. I went up in the plane. Isn’t that enough?
I’m harnessed to the Lord. Are you? I know it will be ok. I don’t want to spend my whole life looking out the window. I want what God wants. I have to take the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken. I’m scared. What a rush.
One of the first things you must do is find someone to help make that possible. There are many businesses that specialize in this around the country. We’ve picked one, now we just have to arrange our schedules to accommodate our plans. You have to go early on the day of the jump because they require some ground training. You can’t just go up in someone’s plane and jump out. I suppose you could but that probably wouldn’t end well. You’re also not allowed to solo free-fall on your first experience. They kind of want to ensure you won’t freeze up once you get out of the plane and forget to open your chute. That wouldn’t end well either. So, you have to either, Static-line jump, or tandem jump with an experienced sky-diver. A static line is a device that hooks on to the plane and automatically open you chute when you exit the plane. A tandem jump means you are coupled into a harness with the experienced diver and he, or she, controls the fall and the opening of the chute.
In the ground school you also learn about the chute and the folding. You learn about the proper technique for landing so you don’t break your legs. You learn about the reserve chute. You learn all about sky-diving before you actually do it. That’s probably a good thing.
You can have all this head knowledge. You can know exactly what to do and how and when to do it. You can put the chute on. You can get in the plane, and they can open the door at altitude, but it all means nothing until you are willing to step out of the plane. If you are scared you may have surrounded yourself with this miasma of fear. You have to have the faith to go.
Our lives are like that in many ways sometimes. The Holy Spirit guides us and prompts us. The Lord tries leading us in a new direction. We have the knowledge, we know what we are supposed to be doing and yet we fail to act, or move. We could spend our whole lives looking out the window and missing the exhilaration, the rush of air, and the blessings the unknown and the obedience can bring.
In some areas of my life I have this prompting, this leading, this urging that I know is the Lord prompting me. I’m afraid to make that leap of faith. It’s going to completely change my life if I do it. But the, what ifs, and the uncertainty keep me in the plane. How would my finances fare under this new plan? What about this, what about that? It’s a nice view from the window of the plane. I know what I need to know. I went up in the plane. Isn’t that enough?
I’m harnessed to the Lord. Are you? I know it will be ok. I don’t want to spend my whole life looking out the window. I want what God wants. I have to take the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken. I’m scared. What a rush.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Monday Morning Blues
For some reason I hardly ever sleep on Sunday nights. I have never figured out why. I toss and turn and get up and go back to bed. I read, listen to music, and think, sometimes too much. So much futility usually causes me to get up at least an hour before I really need to on Monday morning. It’s not that I dislike my job. I’m not stressed about going to work on Monday morning. I just don’t sleep on Sunday nights. I know many people have the Monday morning blues. The weekend is over and it’s back to the grindstone for another week.
I think I have always been thankful for my job and employer. I am a hard, reliable worker. I think I got that work ethic from my dad. Despite our differences and other issues he was a hard working man. I’ve always felt that if your going to work for someone, then give them your all. I see that work ethic in both of my kids. They are dependable, hard working people.
At the same time my employer has been very good to me. They have bent over backwards to accommodate many of the things I have been involved in, from the time I spend at the schools to working with my schedule when I coached the high school girls soccer team. When Karen was sick and going through the many courses of treatments there was never and issue or question about being away whenever I needed to.
These days, with the sour economy and so many people out of work or working reduced hours, I can’t help but be thankful, even on a Monday morning, for having a good job.
Yes, I worked some weeks with reduced hours, but they kept us working and our insurance and benefits intact. That insurance, during Karen’s illness was an incredible blessing
Put yourself in my shoes. I don’t have a college degree, I went to work there when I turned 18, and I make a very, very good living and very good benefits. Through this whole downturn I have drawn one unemployment check for my entire life. Both my kids have gone to college and are doing well. I have a house and many great friends. I can get blue sometimes over other things but it’s pretty hard to get the Monday morning blues over work.
In all things, give thanks.
I think I have always been thankful for my job and employer. I am a hard, reliable worker. I think I got that work ethic from my dad. Despite our differences and other issues he was a hard working man. I’ve always felt that if your going to work for someone, then give them your all. I see that work ethic in both of my kids. They are dependable, hard working people.
At the same time my employer has been very good to me. They have bent over backwards to accommodate many of the things I have been involved in, from the time I spend at the schools to working with my schedule when I coached the high school girls soccer team. When Karen was sick and going through the many courses of treatments there was never and issue or question about being away whenever I needed to.
These days, with the sour economy and so many people out of work or working reduced hours, I can’t help but be thankful, even on a Monday morning, for having a good job.
Yes, I worked some weeks with reduced hours, but they kept us working and our insurance and benefits intact. That insurance, during Karen’s illness was an incredible blessing
Put yourself in my shoes. I don’t have a college degree, I went to work there when I turned 18, and I make a very, very good living and very good benefits. Through this whole downturn I have drawn one unemployment check for my entire life. Both my kids have gone to college and are doing well. I have a house and many great friends. I can get blue sometimes over other things but it’s pretty hard to get the Monday morning blues over work.
In all things, give thanks.
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